The Great Mall In The Sky

ATTENTION CONSUMERS: The latest conspiracy theory in America is taking place, leaving many robbed of brain cells and big bucks. And it’s happening at 35,000 feet. Somewhere between the flight attendant’s monologue and the second Nabisco snack pack, passengers become disoriented and fall into the ultimate trap: reaching for that SkyMall magazine. Exactly what happens next, no one knows. But three easy payments of $39.95 later, the person looks to their spouse and says, “We now own a Turbo-Groomer Cobalt nose-hair trimmer.”

My first encounter with SkyMall magazine was during a flight to Little Rock on an American Eagle aircraft (which felt more like an American Sparrow). I became entranced by the glossy paper and glowing smiles of pajama models, narrowly escaping the purchase of a marshmallow gun with a range of over 30 feet. Luckily for me, the marshmallows were not included.

SkyMall was created by Bob Worsley in 1989 to allow flyers to order products using airplane telephones. Today, the magazine appears on most major airlines, tempting 1.7 million people a day to buy their very own hand carved statue of Don Quixote. While products seem random, ranging from the children’s ATM bank to the voice activated R2-D2—programmed to “dance while playing the famed cantina music”—themes do emerge, usually involving more travel cushions and ways to survive the apocalypse (see Holiday 2006 issue’s “gravity-defying boots”). Is there anything that can be learned about America from SkyMall? With help from Claxton’s Collegiate Culture Police (the CCCP, if you will), here are the top three SkyMall products.

First, The Motorized Snack Float: In case your R2-D2 isn’t around, this remote control device brings you drinks and snacks while in the pool with “no need to paddle around or get out.”

Secondly, The Runaway Alarm Clock: If you dare hit the snooze button on this alarm, which has wheels, it will roll off your nightstand and hide until you come find it.

Finally, the most outrageous $99.99 ever spent is on the iCarta Stereo Dock. “Perfect for the man who has everything,” this system plays your iPod while doubling as a toilet paper dispenser (I shudder to imagine why it’s “moisture-proof”). Now you can listen to your Elvis playlist as the king of your own throne.

Last week, I decided to test the limits of SkyMall by calling Atech Flash Technology, the people who made the iCarta, to pitch my own product—the “iPet.” I explained that an iPod docking station for small animals would be sensational. Imagine your cat creeping into the room wearing a jacket that’s actually playing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “CATS.” After two SkyMall operators loved that idea, I was connected to a manager who told me they already had that product in Japan. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised.

In Ron Rosenbaum’s article on Slate.com, he labels SkyMall as a “techno-porn culture” that directly reflects what Americans are caring about. Leave it to the most materialistic country in the world to create a mall in the sky. One would think that with 35,000 thousand feet of perspective on our tiny planet that consumerism would lose its grip. Unfortunately, the urge to spend $80 on “The World’s Smallest Indoor Remote Control Helicopter” is often too strong. Trends of ultimate comfort and convenience, where we never have to leave the pool for anything, are replacing the natural with the iLife (which, go figure, is a new product from Apple in 2008). How can we preserve our humanity without being forced to rent Will Smith’s “I, Robot” for answers?

If any of the products mentioned above have indeed sounded interesting, please call 1-800-SKYMALL for the newest, quickest, smartest, biggest and all around best-est way to lose your check in three easy payments. The marshmallows, of course, are not included.